What I Am Not or 20 Truths About IshiHime
by debbiechan
Summary: A look at canon incidences from the first time Ishida sensed Orihime to when the Arrancar arrive.


What I Am Not _(or Twenty Truths About IshiHime)_

by debbiechan

Description: This story follows the Ishida and Orihime relationship from the day he first sensed her to the day the Arrancar arrive. The form for this fanfiction was decreed by the LJ community "20Souls" here: http/ some references to S-E-X and _spoilers for all of Bleach._

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach (Kubo Tite does), but I do lay claim to a full-blown obsession with the lovely, magical pairing known as _IshiHime._

T_his one's for you, Kaeru-chan! Happy Hanukah to my longlost Jewish cousin!_

1.

Ishida Uryuu thought that the best thing about middle school was that teachers no longer evaluated students on "conduct."

The words "sensitive" and "withdrawn" were often written on conduct reports that he had carried home in primary school, but in Ishida's mind, all other children were "clueless" and "aggressive" noisemakers. Not that he could fault them for their insensitivity--they simply lacked the ability to sense the spirit world. Add the moaning of Hollows, the scent of ghosts, and the crawling web of spirit threads to ordinary perceptions, and it was no wonder that Ishida preferred solitude to social places. He wasn't at all loath to conversation as long as he was approached in a quiet place, by a reasonable person who could form complete sentences rather than babble.

The first time Ishida saw Inoue Orihime in the hallways of his new school, she was babbling up _fountains_ of nonsense. Then, right in the middle of some incoherent soliloquy about _ducks versus pigeons _she spun around in a one-footed pirouette and threw her arms into the air. "Ta-DAH!" she exclaimed in a voice that could only be characterized as _shrill._

Ishida made a mental note to avoid the girl at all costs.

2.

Inoue Orihime first noticed Ishida Uryuu at Handicrafts Club. She thought that he looked a lot like her brother--long pale face and straight black hair--but Ishida was a first year middle schooler and that meant he was her age, twelve. Sora had been … _twenty-six? No, twenty-seven _… when he died.

Orihime had not even been born when Sora was twelve. Had Sora always been a responsible, gentle boy? Orihime could not imagine him ever being like the messy, awkward males in middle school. Boys were creatures who talked with their mouths full of food, wore mismatched socks, and forgot their homework.

Ishida Uryuu was sitting embroidering a handkerchief with a peaceful look on his face. His deep green cotton scarf was the identical color of his socks. Orihime thought: _I bet he's kind. Like Onii-chan was._

3.

One spring day during second year, Orihime sat next to Ishida while he was stitching and asked him how he managed two different colored threads strung through the same needle.

"Patience," Ishida said. "And the tautness of your stitching has to stay the same. You can't go about sewing tight then loose then tight in a haphazard way or your threads will get tangled up."

Then he and Orihime had a nice conversation about eyelet stitching.

4.

Orihime's breasts grew the summer between second and third year middle school. So did her popularity.

Ishida noticed that a crocheted vest Inoue had worn last season was _waaaay_ too small this fall and that boys kept pretending to bump into her in the hallways. Sometimes he was embarrassed for his entire gender. _Dolts, brutes, unchivalrous bastards._ Every time he overheard a classmate call Inoue-san the girl with the "brick pagodas" "heaven's headlights" or "evil Beelze-boobs", every stitch of his Quincy composure would bristle with indignation.

Ishida prided himself on his gentlemanliness. He would never make uncouth remarks about the size of a classmate's breasts. That's not to say, however, that he did not _think _about a particular classmate's breasts.

5.

Ishida had volunteered to fetch the teacher a new box of dry-erase markers, and when he walked into the supply closet, he was delighted to find Inoue Orihime peering into a crate on a bottom shelf. Her pale pink panties showed beneath her short gray skirt, and Ishida noted from the color of the rose pattern that the fabric was a poly-cotton blend. _She should wear all cotton,_ he found himself thinking. _A fine weave that …breathes. _

Then his own breath faltered.

S_he would turn around and flash him one of those perfect smiles. She would not be able to contain her excitement about this fortunate occurrence--that she and her chosen one had found themselves alone together in this cozy space! She would throw her arms around him and without words make her desires known--her soft mouth pressed against his, and oh the nimbleness of her tiny white fingers …taking off his glasses first, then his shirt (the process not impeded by clumsy buttons, for all of Ishida's school shirts had zippers in the front!) while his own hands palmed her full blouse, then began the achingly deliberate process of unbuttoning (perhaps he would take his glasses from her hand and slip them into his pocket--he would not want to lose his glasses)… at last uncovering a glimpse of lace. He would kiss that cleft of her_ _bosom, where the two magnificent spheres met, blushing, over a low-cut bra…_

M_uted giggling…her hand tugging his waistband and loosening his belt…warmth, delight, his arms around her… the tiny sound of a zipper unzipping--_

"Ishida-kuuuun?" The closet door flew open. Light flooded the space, and the figure in his arms vanished. "Ms. Ochi sent me to get you because you were taking too long!"

Ms. Ochi had sent Inoue, of all people, to fetch the tarrying student. Inoue had never been in the closet to begin with, and now she was standing just outside it.

"Are you alright, Ishida-kun?"

Ishida did not dare turn around for fear that evidence of his erotic fantasy was manifest in his trousers.

"Yes, I'm fine. I was just taking my time, because…." Ishida decided to tell her the truth. "Sometimes I like to be alone."

"I know," came a bright voice behind him. "It's so noisy out there. I'll go back and say I couldn't find you, ok?"

As Ishida heard her footsteps tapping away in the hall, it occurred to him that Inoue was the one person in school who did not go out of her way to tease or embarrass people.

6.

Tatsuki had once observed that Orihime had a "magical" sense for knowing when someone was about to throw up or sneeze: "You can count on Hime to be right under your nose with a napkin. It's like she's got ESP with flu viruses or something."

Orihime was aware of her own supernatural sympathy for sick people. Besides always being the first to volunteer to take a nauseated classmate to the school nurse, she could always tell if a girl was faking period cramps to get out of gym class or if Ryo-chan's knee was hurting--even though Ryo-chan's own track coach couldn't see that his prize runner was favoring one leg.

And another thing that Orihime knew for certain was that Ishida Uryuu--who had a reputation for being sickly and absent a lot--was quite a healthy person.

7.

Orihime found herself attracted to people in emotional pain. Take Kurosaki Ichigo. She had been trying to figure out the source of Kurosaki-kun's pain for a long while, and even after Tatsuki told her about his dead mother, Orihime knew that it was something more.

Then one day Kurosaki started asking questions about Ishida-kun. Kurosaki's face was as funny-looking as it ever got, and Orihime could tell he was trying to disguise some real agitation.

"Did something happen between you two?"

"Nah," said Kurosaki. "Nothing much." His shoulders squirmed. "It's no big deal."

Orihime thought: _Why, they're really alike! Except that Ishida-kun is so much more self-reliant and grown-up than Kurosaki-kun_. She smiled and decided that it just might be very good for a grouchy guy like Kurosaki to be friends with a grouchy guy like Ishida!

Maybe Kurosaki-kun would take up a relaxing hobby like sewing?

8.

When Ishida noticed Inoue's spirit power growing, he wondered if maybe there was some correlation with puberty. After all, her breasts also seemed to be growing bigger with every passing school term. Then he wondered if perhaps Inoue's innate kindness didn't have something to do with it. Maybe compassion combined with intelligence (he had recently noted Inoue's name just behind his on the honors roll) galvanized spirit talent. Then he remembered that _Asano Keigo's_ spiritual power had also been on the rise lately. So that killed the sensitive-and-smart theory: Keigo was a jerk and a moron.

Ishida could only conclude that those people who had frequent or significant contact with Kurosaki Ichigo were all developing their spiritual potential somehow.

9.

When Ishida told Orihime "I'm training because I'm angry with myself for losing to a Shinigami," she didn't believe him.

When Ishida said, "Kuchiki-san means nothing to me," she didn't believe that either.

Even when Yoruichi-san, who seemed to be such a wise and skilled sensei, said it was very unlikely that Ishida would join them in Soul Society, Orihime was quite certain that he _would._

"He's a Quincy," Yoruichi-san said. "Shinigami are his enemies."

Orihime kept quiet because she did not want to contradict her teacher, but she knew that Ishida wanted to help Kuchiki-san. She knew that Ishida's will to protect the innocent was stronger than any ancient rivalry.

She did not know _how _she knew all this; she just _did._

10.

When Ishida overheard Sado-kun say "complicated things are the most fragile," Ishida thought it was an insightful observation and felt inclined to agree. A tapestry panel he had seen in a textiles museum came to mind: _fifty embroidered dragons, their elaborate scales couched in gold wire._ Ishida was already wondering about how exactly artisans manipulated metal with needles when he heard Sado say "he's the most fragile of us all" and realized that _he_, Ishida, was the one being talked about.

Then Kurosaki made some remark about the "goofy" Quincy clothes.

Ishida was feeling his masculinity under attack, and so by the time Inoue-san began to thank him for coming, his jaw was jutting forward and his teeth were on edge. "No," he said sharply. "Don't thank me."

He expected Inoue to look either shocked or browbeaten, the way people did whenever he was rude, but Inoue only smiled.

That smile should have angered him, because Ishida couldn't stand it when people presupposed things about him, but the smile … _heartened_ him. He could not help but think that Inoue was the nicest person he had ever met.

11.

There would come a time when Orihime wanted to remember if Ishida's touch had ever been anything but gentle.

And then she remembered--with a start that made her gasp, laughing--the very first time Ishida touched her! It was when the Shiba cannonball was breaking up and Sado-kun flew to save Ishida from falling and pitched Ishida's whole body right at her!

Ishida's shoulder had smacked her in the nose, and _it had really hurt!_

12.

After the crash-landing in the Seireitei, Ishida was quite certain that Inoue was dead. His first feeling was not grief for her but _shame in himself. _If a girl had killed herself trying to protect him, then he had to be the loser of all losers, the king of pathetic, the worst--

Then Inoue had started mumbling, rousing herself to consciousness, and Ishida regretted his self-centeredness. He was very glad that his companion was alive, and he was about to soar into self-congratulation for being clever enough to have packed a first aid kit when Inoue rolled over, groggily, and he saw tiny beads of blood rising on her upper arm. An area as big as his own hand had been scraped off there.

Inoue's eyes were still closed, and there appeared to be no other gruesome injury.

W_e have yet to encounter a single Shinigami_, he thought as he unrolled the gauze. _And already there's blood._

The place where he and Inoue had landed was wide and exposed. Bright sunlight glanced off tiles on the ground. Ishida's white tunic seemed to catch light and glow. No one else was around, but Ishida imagined that people would soon be following the noises of the explosion.

T_his is really happening,_ he told himself. _We're here_.

Then it occurred to him that in all his mental preparations for Soul Society, he had not once considered the possibility of being left alone with Inoue-san.

13.

Orihime tried to explain to Ishida that she was clumsy, but he didn't seem to believe her. She considered telling him about the time she had walked right into a speeding car and a _Hollow_ had grabbed her leg and saved her, but she was sure he wouldn't buy that. She wasn't sure sometimes that she believed the story herself.

Onii-chan was gone for certain. He was gone, gone, no longer a Hollow or a human, and Orihime could only hope that he was no longer lonely where he was. When Ishida picked up Orihime to sweep her away from the attacking Shinigami, Orihime had a brief memory of Onii-chan carrying her as a child, away from some danger, but she could not remember what that danger was.

14.

B_ut Ishida-kun is amazing. Ishida-kun defeated that big guy with the projectiles in just one shot!_

In eleventh division headquarters, Orihime did not want to believe what the doll-sized pink-haired Shinigami was saying, that the twelfth division captain had unleashed his deadliest attack in battle with a drifter, that whole buildings of the Seireitei were demolished, and that the area where Ishida-kun had stood, pointing his weapon and yelling for Orihime to run, was now filled with acrid poisons, charred bodies, and smoldering rubble.

I_shida-kun is not the same person who challenged Kurosaki to a duel. He would never do anything reckless or stupid, and he would never fight someone he knew he could not beat._

Yet, even as she told herself these things, she felt a tremor of doubt. These Shinigami all seemed to have faith in Kurosaki but had written off his drifter companions.

"Ishida-kun is very strong," Orihime said. "He's just as strong as Kurosaki-kun, but in a different way."

"Too bad," said the tiny Shinigami. "Ken-chan will be sorry he's dead then. Ken-chan had _such_ a good time fighting Ichi."

"There's a good chance that Kurotshuchi didn't kill your friend," offered the lean, elegant Shinigami with eyebrow feathers. He or she (Orihime wasn't sure yet) was smiling a languid smile. "The twelfth division is such a crew of perverts."

"Yumichika!" chided the bald Shinigami. "Don't tell Orihime-chan that. It's better if she thinks he's dead." Then the bald one turned his oddly painted eyes to Orihime and told her in a voice unadorned with sympathy or condescension: "No one survives Kurotshuchi's ban kai, and it's best not to survive it. The twelfth division uses body parts for experiments. I hope your friend died a warrior's death."

"No," Orihime said firmly. She wanted to believe that Ishida was alive _and_ in one piece. "You don't know Ishida-kun. He got out of there somehow."

Faith in the impossible did not come easily to Orihime, but unlike most people she had learned how to capture and hold onto the slightest of hopes. Her heart was clenched around her faith like a tiny fist.

"You'll see," she said to all the Shinigami staring at her. _Why did they stare like that? Had they never seen a living person before?_ "You'll see that _all_ my friends are alive."

15.

Ishida was practiced at defying gloom and pumping up his own ego. For every time his father had said, "I have no interest," there was a memory of Grandfather showing Ishida how to position and draw the bow. Against every name he had been called in school--_Gaylord_, _geek-face_, _seamstress_--there was an academic prize or a competition ribbon.

When Ishida woke up in the fourth division cell and remembered that his glove was incinerated, his powers were gone, and that the Despicable Shinigami had escaped, he tried to be thankful for being alive.

But that didn't work. His heart felt dead and cold as stone.

Then Ishida remembered how he had threatened that eleventh division guy into carrying Inoue-san away from the scene. Was Inoue alright?

_Of course she is_, Ishida told himself. _I saved her._

And then his heart was glad.

16.

"_What? What's wrong with you people? What is Kuchiki Rukia to you? Just a friend, right? For a friend_ _you have fought this hard?"—Maki Maki, chapter 164:4_

Ishida was incensed by the Shinigami's disregard for the concept. "_Because_," he heard himself shouting, "Because she's a friend--"

"Not just a friend," came Inoue-san's gentle voice.

Ishida felt an odd pang in his chest. There was a hope rising there that he could not identify. _Not just a friend?_

"To Kurosaki-kun," Inoue continued, "she is a very important person."

Inoue's voice was so quiet--breathless, maybe, after having climbed all those stairs. Her eyes were large and wistful, and Ishida could not believe that she understood a greater attachment than "friendship." _"Inoue-san,"_ he heard himself say, and his own voice sounded awe-stricken.

"Because to Kurosaki-kun, Kuchiki-san is …." Flashes of light from the battleground shone in Inoue's eyes while everyone waited on her words. _"The person who changed his life."_

It was at that moment that Ishida knew that he loved her. He loved Inoue Orihime. He did not know how or why, but at some point his life had irrevocably changed. He did not care anymore that Kurosaki had not witnessed his powers. He didn't care that he had lost them. What he _did_ care about was--

A giant blast of energy flared, turning the forest trees white and blowing a stinging hot wind across Ishida's face.

"Please, Inoue-san, it's better if we stay away. Even if we stay here, we--"

"Thank you, Ishida-kun, but I want to stay here."

The way Inoue-san was clutching her own arms, willing herself against her own fear and all common sense, to stay rooted where she was--! Ishida fought the impulse to grab her and carry her to safety. Her simply standing there was not going to help Kurosaki in the slightest, but still she stood there, transfixed with faith.

Ishida felt his heart lurching towards an impossible future. _Don't lose, Kurosaki. _What would Kurosaki's death do to Inoue-san, who had already lost so much in her life?

_If you lose, Kurosaki, I will never forgive you. WIN, Kurosaki!_

17.

Who _didn't_ love Inoue Orihime? Before the portal to the Living World was opened, the fourth division spent an entire week doting upon her and her healing skills. Captain Unohana herself had taken to walking arm in arm with the girl through infirmary tours. At the insistence of the Shinigami with the feather brows, the eleventh division made Inoue-san an honorary member. The fourth division wanted to make her an honorary member too, but because it was against Gotei 13 rules to have dual membership in squads, Captain Ukitake himself drafted a bill to exempt _honorary _memberships (the bill would never come to a vote, at least not while Ishida and the others remained in Soul Society). Everyone called her "Hime" or "Orihime-chan," and it did not escape Ishida's notice that a few men blushed whenever she cast a smile their way.

"No one die over the summer," Ms. Ochi had commanded, and sure enough, no one did. When school started again, Inoue was always surrounded by friends. In the Realm of the Living, Orihime got only slightly less attention than she had in the Realm of the Dead, but she was still Karakura High's loveliest student, even if only a few knew about her special healing powers. Ishida figured that if others found out, the poor girl would never have a moment's peace. Ishida did not go out of his way to approach her, but she went out of her way to approach _him_, to ask after his feelings or to offer him something funny-tasting from her lunch. Still, she seemed to be insulated by commitments to this friend or that one, and Ishida never really felt that he was alone with her the way he had been in Soul Society.

When Hirako, the odd looking new boy with the vaguely Hollowish scent, got a little too fresh with Inoue, Ishida did not have to jump to her defense because _everyone_ else did. Even Asano Keigo redeemed himself in Ishida's eyes by having a fit of righteousness over the incident and scolding Hirako with "Dude! You _definitely _did something bad!"

Could it be that Ishida did not love her any more than anyone else did? He was unaccustomed to feeling such a _specific _attachment to any one person, so he didn't know if such a feeling was supposed to be making him weak with pathos. Sometimes he felt as if loneliness was going to swallow up his entire body. He didn't have enough powers left to materialize a weapon, and what little connection he had to the spiritual plane was waning fast. Maybe the longing he felt so strongly at times was really a longing for his lost self?

No, Ishida knew what he was longing for. What he wanted _had never been his to begin with._ Inoue's faith in other people, her ability to connect with strangers and offer help, her unwavering courage in the face of loss and loneliness. Somehow Inoue had managed to make her life without parents and family a regular funhouse of friendships and joy, while Ishida, no stranger to loss, had only managed to isolate himself further from others.

"What I am not, Inoue-san, _you_ are."

It was something that someone would say to a picture of the dead, but Ishida had no shrines in his room and no kami or spirit to whom he prayed.

All he had was a longing so strong he thought it could reach Soul Society, cut through the past he shared with Inoue there, and come back to bother him for the rest of his days.

18.

The first person Orihime ever imagined kissing in that romantic way boys and girls are supposed to kiss was Prince Enraku, but since Enraku was not really a person but a teddy bear, she knew that didn't count. Besides, Orihime had imagined that kiss to be ceremonial and dispassionate and occurring at the end of a very elaborate Prince-and-Princess wedding (the highlight of which was guests throwing confetti) and the idea of it had not _tingled_ any part of her at all.

The second person Orihime had imagined kissing was … _it made her giggle just to think of it … yes, ICHIGO! _Kurosaki Ichigo had the handsomest face, even though Orihime told everyone it was "funny-looking."

The third person was Ishida. For some reason the idea did not make her giggle. On the ride back from Soul Society on Urahara's flying carpet, Ishida-kun had looked so thoughtful and sad. The wind had been whipping his hair across his face. Orihime had, at that moment, imagined that if Ishida-kun were to kiss a girl, he would be the type to be very serious about it.

Sitting in the bathtub as the bubbles dissolved and the water cooled, Orihime was perfectly aware of the fact that she was smitten with one boy and merely fond of the other. When she thought about kissing Kurosaki-kun, her face got hot and she felt anxious. When she thought about kissing Ishida-kun, her face got just as hot, but she felt …_strangely calm_.

19.

"_You need to learn to stand up for yourself."--Rangiku to Orihime, chapter 199:13_

Rangiku did not really make Orihime feel better about _anything_.

A few hours after a good cry, a good talk and lots of ice cream, Orihime said goodnight to her new apartment mate and still felt lost and alone in the world. Why was it that whatever Orihime had to give to the world was never _enough?_ Why was it that her greatest flaw was _needing so much to be needed?_

Her arm felt itchy in its cast, and her cheek felt sweaty against the pillow.

R_angiku, Yoruichi, Rukia … _They had such brazen humor, beauty, self-possession, and they had _men_ who seemed to rely on them. Could Orihime ever command fear and respect the way they did? No, never!

Right before falling asleep, Orihime imagined herself as a Valkyrie. She was wearing a stainless steel brassiere, and giant golden wings sprouted from her warrior helmet. Kurosaki, Sado, Ishida, Urahara-san and all his shop people-- even Captain Zaraki and all the eleventh division!--these fellows trailed behind her in modern-day military camouflage fatigues. They were her own docile and devoted army.

The image cheered her a little bit.

20.

"_Anyone with even the slightest reiatsu. Slaughter them. Leave none alive."--Grimmjow, chapter 199:19_

The heavens roared. A horrible sound, a deafening spiritual pressure. And with this noise, as strange beings stepped into the Realm of the Living, came a suffocating sense of dread.

This dread sat inside Ishida for a while. He was practiced at overcoming fear. He was a champion of detachment in rough situations. He had stood in the shadow of a Menos Grande and he had faced the charging monstrosity that was Kurotshuchi's ban kai. But this--!

The giant reiatsu in the sky was not Hollow, and it was not Shinigami… it was somehow _both?_ It was hateful. It splayed five parts across Karakura, and Ishida could tell that it was an intentional, organized army.

The Shinigami had once descended on Earth like this to annihilate all the Quincy. For whom was this power coming this time?

D_read_. It made him sick. It rose in his throat and choked him. It was more insidious than cowardice because it imposed fear for others above fear for himself.

Ishida knew, because he had often thought about such things, that there was no one person alive who was more innocent than another. There was not one soul more worthy of mercy than another. Every person had a purpose in the vastness of the universe, yet there existed, _for him_, one person whose suffering he could not bear.

Inoue had already suffered so much, and yet she was not full of anger, bitterness or grief. She would rather die than hurt anyone. Ishida had seen her fire without intent to kill. He had seen her weeping on her knees for the enemy.

Ishida clenched his fists and bowed his head the way he had once long ago in his grandfather's garden.

I _want to be strong._

I _want to get stronger._

I _will be a very strong Quincy and protect everyone._

And renewing that old vow killed the dread.

E_ND_

Thanks to LisaB, who is the only other person in the world who takes my fanfiction writing as seriously as I do.


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